Megan’s first trip to “Noah’s special place”
Noah has worked his way into every aspect of my life. There are few things that go on in my day that do not connect with him. Whether it is an object, a photo or his sisters, his memory is always there. I was surprised to realize that my pregnancy with Megan was consumed with Noah. The very fact that I was pregnant was a result of Noah. The anxiety of Megan’s health was a result of Noah. The doctor and hospital I chose were a result of Noah. Everything about those 10 months was because of Noah. So throughout those months, I was constantly reminded and thinking of him as it related to Megan. So where does that leave me now?
Thankful that Megan is healthy? Of course. Glad that she is here? Yes. Glad that I am not pregnant anymore? Not necessarily. Since the pregnancy had so much to do with Noah, the absence of being pregnant feels like the absence of Noah. The unknown of the pregnancy allowed me to stay connected to Noah and to his death. And I guess without that I am learning how to live without him again. Learning how to let him go again. This pain that I feel reminds me how special he was to me and how much I loved him. We miss you, Noah, and miss what life would be like if you were here.
Three year olds have their own way of dealing and expressing grief. After some conversations about Noah recently here is what Alyssa acted out for my mom the other night: Like any child in her situation, she was acting out that she was pregnant. She stuffed an animal in her shirt and climbed up in bed, telling Nana that she was going to have the baby. When her baby was born, she told Nana that he was sick. That only God could make him feel better, so he had to go to heaven. So she took this “baby” to Megan’s room and said she was taking him to heaven. Then she returned to her room pregnant with another baby. She went through the same actions and when this baby was born, she was healthy. She told Nana that she was able to stay on earth with us and didn’t have to go to heaven.
It’s amazing what she understands about this situation. I love that she will never forget either.