I don’t know why this is happening. Well… I do remember a morning, not long ago, after the news came that it was cancer. I was stretching for a morning run – remember when I used to run? Yeah, that was fun. So, I was stretching, watching the sun rise from my window. And I was praying. Praying for God’s will to be done in my life. I did specifically pray that God would do whatever He needed to do in my life. I said that I believed in His plan and whatever has to happen to bring glory to Him, that I was okay with it. So, if you need to blame someone, I guess it is me. And I guess maybe that is why I have taken all this in stride. I have been disappointed with results, but not surprised. The saying in my house goes, “It is what it is.” And here is what it is.

Ethan and I met with the surgeon (Dr. B) and the oncologist (Dr. M) today. Let’s start by saying, that if I had to find something good from today, besides my brother downgrading to a cane, it is that I found confidence in my doctors. I didn’t know these men a month ago and I fully trust their decisions and opinions. They have shown hurt and disappointment from the results, they have given me the explanations, they have told me that they are all here to fight with me. The surgery from Tuesday is healing great and it was said on more than one occasion that I made the right choice. So I am thankful that my choice was appropriate.

The results that came back from pathology confirm that the cancer has spread to 5 lymph nodes. The invasive cancer area was measured at 2.5cm and the DCIS (non-invasive cancer) was about 5cm. So the area was quite a bit larger than originally estimated. Dr. B believes that he did remove all of the cancer, but the pathologist suggested he do another surgery to take a little more for clear margins. This is under debate right now, but if Dr. B said he did the best he could – I am okay with that. The test showed that I am Estrogen/Progesterone Receptor +. Which just means that the estrogen in my body is fueling the cancer. This will be attacked with a few drugs to lower the estrogen over the next 5 years.

The combination of these factors all point to chemotherapy. The word that no one wanted, and no one wanted to ask, but is now reality for this cancer. I will have a P.E.T. scan and CT scan next Wednesday to see if the cancer has gone anywhere else in the body. I will have an echocardiogram because one of the drugs could have side effects on my heart. I will also have another surgical procedure to place a port in my chest. The port will be used to distribute the drugs during chemo instead of having to go through a vein in my arm each time. Then chemo could start as early as the following week. My regimen looks like this:

Chemo every 2 weeks x 4 = 8 weeks. Day 1: I received 2 drugs, Day 2: a shot to boost my immune system.

Rest 2 weeks.

Chemo every 3 weeks x 4 = 12 weeks.

Rest 3-4 weeks.

Radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks.

By my calculations that puts me well into Fall of 2010. Then I think I will go on a well deserved vacation. Where do you want to go, honey?

So, it sucks, yeah. It really sucks. I believe with my whole being that I am in God’s hands. What I can’t understand; He can. What I can’t do; He can. What I can’t even see possible; He can. When I can’t; He will. I don’t know how, but we can do this. All of us. Because I know this doesn’t just effect me. It effects every woman, every mother, every husband, every friend, every family. And I need you to have strength. I need you to trust that God is there. I need you to carry this story on. I need you to use it in your life. He has led me here. Where will He take you if you let him?

Lamentation 3: 21-26

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

*This post has been updated by a non-medicated Julie

If you are anything like my mom, you may wish I would pick up the phone and call you every morning just so you can hear for yourself that I am okay. And even though Facebook is great and I love to read all your posts about me and then the dozen comments of people I don’t know who are praying for me, I still like this blog thing. So I will continue to update here.

Overall surgery went well. We didn’t have to wait too long, and Ethan had a private room to hang in while I was in surgery. When I began to wake up, I heard them talk about my drain and I knew that was probably a bad sign. The first step was to take 1-2 lymph nodes and test those. I may not need a drain if that was all he had to do. But if the first node came back positive,  he would need to take more, and I would definitely need the drain. I was moved back into my room, waking up more, feeling nauseous, a little pain and wondering what he found. When the doctor came in, he told me the findings of cancer in the first lymph node and that in the next days we would find out what the other ones looked like. It was not the news that any of us wanted to hear, but it is reality now. Maybe later I will get into to more of an emotional explanation but for now, I am worn out from thinking about it. I did want to update the blog and let you all know that this is a way you can keep up with me.

What we know now is that the cancer is in my lymphatic system. And that means, I am moved to early stage 2 cancer. We are waiting for the pathology report on the tumor and the lymph nodes and will form a plan for the future. Our best guess is that I will need chemo treatments, maybe radiation and/or hormone therapy to follow.

So let’s call 2010 as a year from hell. Let’s look at this as a life that I do not want to experience for eternity. The worry, the fear, the pain, the sadness, the heat – my Word the heat. I look forward to knowing that this is not God’s plan for us, and trusting that one day all of this will be behind us and we will have a glorious life to finish in heaven.

I never think that God’s message to me is ill-timed. But the opposite. He knows exactly what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. To set the stage, I am home alone. I have been for the past 3 nights. Ethan, his mom and the girls are in WV visiting his grandfather. I requested to stay behind for some much needed time to myself. As I am working on the computer tonight, I feel led to listen to a podcast (my music selection on iTunes was getting old). I do not listen to podcasts very often so I find this message even more God sent. I decided to look up my old church in First Colony, well, because I love listening to RN. The message I heard tonight was on wisdom. From the book of James, he reads:

^“5 If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.”

Wisdom is there, all I have to do is ask. Back to timing. This scripture would have been helpful to me anytime in the last month as I weighed the options for surgery. If it could have just hit me in the face that I needed to ask for wisdom, maybe all of this would be easier. Of course, I knew that God held my answer. But what is it about ourselves that time after time we want to do it on our own? Hey, I know, I will ask my friends. I will ask my husband, he should be involved in this decision. The doctor, yes, the doctor will tell me the best choice. But none of those worked. In the end the decision came down to me. Further in James it says:

^“6 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.”

And receive nothing from the Lord is what I got during those first weeks. I was dividing my loyalty. Deep down, I wanted God’s answer, but I was going to see if I could get something good from the world first. And it was not until I was at the end of my sanity, that I could bow to Him and truly ask for His help. To admit that I cannot do this alone. To admit that I do not know how to proceed. And plead for a sign. Plead for wisdom. I know you are not surprised to hear that God delivered. While I would love to share this awesome experience, it is personal (if there is such a thing on this blog anymore). But I want you to know, that on the day I gave up trying to put my faith in the world, God showed me why I can put my faith in Him. All I needed to do was ask.

And with that, a decision has been made. I will have surgery April 13th to remove the cancer. I will have lymph nodes tested and when I come out of surgery they will be able to tell us if and how far the cancer has spread. With those results and a few more post-op tests, a treatment plan will be made. The best scenario is that I will have radiation for 6 weeks. If the cancer has spread or is bigger than they think, I will most likely need chemo.

Here, my friends, is the best part: “¹² God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” As RN summed up, I will not be complaining of the radiation or chemo that I had to endure once I am in heaven. For after this testing is complete. After my life on this earth is over. I will receive the crown of life. And is that not better than anything I could ever hope for?

Proverbs 17:22

“A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.”

I had a friend share this verse with me today. She was commenting on my outward appearance at a recent event. While I cannot say that I am trying to live out this proverb, I can say it gives me a little reassurance that what I am feeling right now is okay. Because right now I don’t feel sad, or disappointed, or honestly even scared. I feel anxious, I feel nervous about what my future holds. But the look on my face, or the attitude I am portraying when we meet is really what my heart feels. And for right now that is contentment. Allowing myself to laugh, play and be happy when I feel like it. And sad or angry when I feel that too.

This week Ethan and I met with an oncologist. We learned way more about cancer than I really thought I needed to know. But it was a great visit and the doctor was great – he even took notes for me. He suggested that I did the BRCA testing. In normal cells, BRCA1 and BRCA2 help ensure the stability of the cell’s genetic material (DNA) and help prevent uncontrolled cell growth. Mutation of these genes has been linked to the development of hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. I hope to have the results back by next week and we will make our decision for my surgery. We discussed all the possible treatments that I may need after surgery is done and the cancer is studied. It can range from best case scenario being only radiation to worst case surgery, chemo, possible hormone therapy and radiation.

For now, I am just taking it a day at a time and with each day comes a little more information. I have my family. I have friends around me, support from all sides. I have my mom this week, and my dad and one of the best friends I could ever have coming next week. I have neighbors I can talk to any time of the day. I have a church supporting me. And in 3 days, I will be honored to experience one of the greatest parties ever, all because you love me. And that, my friends, is a feeling that everyone needs to know.

I don’t know how you go from a post saying I have cancer to “whoo hoo! I ran a half-marathon”, but if I did it in real life, surely the blog can handle it. This is my friend Jessica. We met in MOPS and have been running buddies 3 times a week for the last 3+ months. Not only has she kept me encouraged to run, but encourages me in so many other ways. I was honored to run this race with her, and grateful to have her by my side (for at least the first 12 miles!)

This was our first 1/2 marathon and oh! what an experience. To say it was just about the run is about the biggest understatement I could say. But the run itself was awesome. There was the preparation, the adrenalin rush, the crowd to fight through, the pain in my knee, the croaking frogs,  the dance to remove my outer layer, the pain in my ankle, the sharkies, the quiet, and then the stadium. Jessica and I were together for almost 12 miles. We talk, we gawk at others, most importantly we keep each other going. But as she drifted ahead of me I found myself in the quiet with few runners around. And while I had wished we could have finished this race together, I knew I had to do it myself. Sound familar yet? Think I can tie this to cancer? Oh yes, I can.

The last few weeks, I have been supported and loved on by so many. The phone calls, the cards, gift cards, and a fundraiser in my name. I think – I don’t deserve any of this. But nevertheless, my friends are there. They are beside me, reassuring my feelings and showing me love. They are in this race with me. But there will come a point where I have to continue on alone. I will have God, no doubt, but I have to press on. I have to make the tough decisions. I have to live with the results. I have to get myself up and finish this race for myself. And in the end, just like my run today, I will hit the grass in that stadium, I will feel a high come from deep in my soul and I will have my victory.

More Pics

If you are randomly checking up on the Whaley family…get ready. If you have been anxiously clicking refresh for the past few days, I have finally moved on to the blog.

This blog began under a different name and for different circumstances. It was started in May of 2005 by my brother, Steve. It was a way to keep all informed of the events surrounding Noah. It has been through tough times, fun times, anxious and fearful times as we awaited the birth of 2 more children, and now it has taken another turn.

I have Stage 1 breast cancer. There is a 1cm tumor that mostly consists of ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS). Defined as cancer that starts in cells in the milk passages (ducts) and does not penetrate the duct walls into the surrounding tissue; This is a highly curable form of breast cancer that is treated with surgery or surgery plus radiation therapy. However, at the center of this area are cancer cells. The DCIS is a pre-cancerous, non-invasive tissue. But to say I have DCIS is not accurate, because that is considered Stage 0. The fact that there is cancer in the middle moves me to Stage 1.

We have two choices, both recommended by the doctor and both highly successful for treating the cancer.
1. Breast conservation therapy
Surgery to remove a breast cancer and a small amount of normal tissue around the cancer without removing any other part of the breast. I would have sentinel node biopsy (SNB) done during the surgery. They would inject a dye into the tumor site at surgery and the first (sentinel) node that picks up the dye is removed and biopsied. If the node is cancer-free, few nodes are removed. If the first few removed are cancerous, I would move into a different stage of cancer based on where it has spread. Following the surgery, radiation therapy would be necessary for 5-6 weeks.

2. Simple Mastectomy
Surgery to remove all or part of the breast and sometimes other tissue. Radiation would not be necessary, and I have the option of breast reconstruction at the time of the mastectomy. The SNB would still be done to determine the number of lymph nodes effected.

At this point, Ethan and I are doing reading and research about which option is best for us. We have met with a plastic surgeon and will probably meet with a radiation oncologist and my doctor again to gather as much info as possible. Those are the facts, as best as I can understand and put all this medical mumbo jumbo into Julie terms.

So where am I? My desk right here is a mess, papers of all kinds stacked up and really getting in my way right now. The floor needs vacuuming and I am sure my kids would love some interaction from their mother. I have normal activities to resume, but feel stuck in this hole. Someone handed me a card today that said, “You have breast cancer” and I don’t know how to just let that go. It is small. It is early. It is highly curable. But right now there is cancer in my body. I have been strong. Believe me, I am trying my best not to get emotional about this, there is enough of you out there for that. But how does one take this news? So, I guess for now it is sinking in. The idea is creeping in, usually about 5 am in the morning. I wake up, see the sun begin to rise and think “Ahhh, another day…. oh, shit, I have cancer.”

What I want you to know: I am okay. God has tested me before, I know what it feels like. I also believe and like the words of Paul that my brother, Brad sent me:

1 Corinthians 12:9-10
But he [God] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I am not sure about the delight part yet, but I will have strength through this that comes from him and not from me. And, I have the best support group here in Spring Hill, TN that I could ever wish for. I have friends who talk with me, ask me how I am, ask how they can help, take my children at a moments notice. Friends who have prayed over me and prayed for me. Friends who know exactly how I feel and friends who want to just walk beside me. I know many of you want to be here by my side. Want to give me a hug. But know that those needs are being met by the people that God purposely brought into my life just for this time.

Ethan and I would appreciate continued prayers for our strength, upcoming conversations with Alyssa, decisions about surgery and prayers that it has not spread into the lymph nodes.