If you were around to see Alyssa preform at age 2 or even age 4, you would know why I had such a huge smile watching these two today. I was so proud of just the fact that they were on stage and then participating was a bonus. Megan was even prepared for a … wait for it … speaking part. But another girl ended up doing it, so they didn’t use Megan. But she was standing there ready and that counts in my book. They had a cute little program today, and I was so glad to sit and smile upon my girls.
We celebrated Thanksgiving with all of my side of the family. My two brothers and their families and my parents. We met in Hot Springs, AR which was only about 7 hours for us. Seriously, I don’t know how we use to drive to Pampa in a station wagon for 12 hours without a DVD player. And I am thankful that we don’t have to do that, but at the same time waving your hand in front of the screen to get their attention to show them something like the MISSISSIPPI RIVER is sad. Especially when they don’t even look up. Ethan and I watched flock after flock of geese cross the road in amazing formations as they were glued to Beauty and the Beast. I am not proud of it, but…. uh, I am not willing to change it either!
We arrived Wednesday afternoon and once all the cousins arrived, I think I saw Alyssa at meal times and bedtime. They had such a great time. Blakely is the only other girl and she is 9. So the 4 boys pretty much stuck together and the girls did their own thing. Braden, 13, and Audrey seemed to be the ones hanging with the adults the most. The house had a game room and space for the kids to be crazy and 2 sets of bunk beds with a projection TV to watch late night movies. While the adults were upstairs, drinking “hot cocoa”, playing games and losing our temper to puzzles. It was awesome. It had been 2 years since we had all been together like that and it was worth it. I love my family and I love my sister-in-laws. We cooked, we shopped, we laughed and we made memories. More
You are from God. I tell myself as you are climbing out of the shopping basket, into other people’s strollers, on the counter or the kitchen table. You are a blessing. I tell myself as you are stomping your feet in frustration, hitting your sister or making growling noises in anger. It is only a stage. I tell myself as you are running through a parking lot ignoring my plea to stop or shoving your food across the table and refusing to eat. And I say, oh, how I love you as we rock before bed, watching you name the objects you didn’t know a year ago, and singing Twinkle Twinkle together. You tell me “no bed, mommy”, you whine for milk, and then we rock. You eventually lay your head on my shoulder, trying to adjust so that your big 2 year old body can fit in my arms, and finally give in. It is in that moment that I can truly thank God for you and your zeal for life. I can thank God for knowing the end while I was stuck in the pain of losing Noah. I thank Him for completing our family in a way that only He could. Little Audi, you wear me out, you frustrate me beyond words. But you are precious to me. My baby. You make the whole family laugh. You make your Daddy smile. You bring fun and joy into this family. You stand out in the crowd with your white hair. Your beautiful grin each morning makes me want to cover you in kisses. I love you. And a year from now, as I post your 3rd birthday, I will miss the sweetness of this age. And then quietly thank God again for bringing me through it.
Kool & the Gang got it right. There is a party going on around here, a celebration.
February 24th I had a routine annual checkup. God’s hands were on that day long before I drove up to that building. He had my children in the hands of friends who would be the first to hear of my unexpected news. He had appointments open so that I could go from the doctor, to an ultrasound, to a mammogram in one hour. And He prepared me in life to handle heartbreak and uncertainty and show me that I can survive. And as of today, that is what I can now call myself — a survivor. It has a much better meaning than some TV show. And I will wear the name proudly. It only took 9 days after that checkup to hear the diagnosis of breast cancer, it was March 5th. And 7 months later, I can take a deep breath. I am done with all my treatments.
For the last 6 weeks, Monday thru Friday, I have driven to Williamson Med for my radiation treatment. The drive was about 20 minutes, 15 minutes in the office and then back on the road. I could typically be home within 1 hour. And for that I am truly thankful. I am also thankful for the women in my life who stepped up and watched my girls, without them, I could not have physically done this. Before the first day, I was marked up with a sharpie. Lines and circles that would dictate where the laser beams would align for the next 30 treatments. My chest was covered in permanent artwork. Audrey liked to pull on my shirt and look at “mommy’s marker”. Megan would ask, “why is your skin red?’ And Alyssa just learned it was all part of the process. I pray I taught them something through this process, I don’t know what it was, but I hope this impacted their life for the good. This is the room.
I had great techs who would line this giant machine up to my marks everyday. It is a very precise job, inching millimeters to just the right spot. I would lay very still as they all booked it out of the room. It became quite funny how quick they could get out. Once they are in their office, the giant, vault-like door closed, they would turn the beam on. Lights would light up in the room, warning anyone that it is a danger area. Ironically, there I would lay day after day, starring at the sign.
I became comfortable with this procedure. There were 3 areas treated each day. I would ward off the itches and discomforts for those 10 minutes each day. The beams would only last about 30 seconds for each area, but once I was aligned and in position, I did not move. I was cared for by great people at the office. They would kindly greet me, ask how my weekend was – to which I never had a good story, and we would joke about the puzzle that sat in the waiting room. Because there for a while, apparently there was a blind cancer patient trying to match up puzzle pieces. I would search to finish the border and realize that pieces were not in the right spot. So I would rearrange and move on. The next day, those pieces were back in the wrong spot again. The techs had a patient complaining that someone was messing up the puzzle and I was joking that someone was putting the pieces in the wrong spot. Finally I asked for a different puzzle. I would visit the doctor once a week, and they took x rays once a week. All to make sure that we were treating the exact area necessary.
There were few side effects from radiation. I did not get sick. I was a little worn out by the end, which is now, but it is so hard to tell what that is from. Is it my body trying to fight and recover, is it the annoyance of being there everyday, or was it that I was doing all of this and a wife and mother. Either way, I survived. Yes, I might fall asleep on the couch quicker than I used to, but overall I still feel good. Still a mother, still washing clothes, still running with my pal. The main side effect is to the skin area. It is compared to a really bad sunburn. A sunburn so bad that the skin has burn marks. You can very clearly see the area that was treated. So it is sensitive, itchy and feeling raw in places. It should reach its peak in the next week and then begin to heal over the next month. This portion of my treatment, the radiation, is to fight the larger clumps of cells that may still be there. The chemo was useful for targeting individual cells throughout the entire body and this was used to kill off any remaining that might have been larger than one cell. At least that is my understanding. It of course, also was target to the one area where the cancer was.
So that is my explanation of the past month or so. Today’s treatment went like normal, everyone excited for me. I felt good, but the second the crew high-tailed it out the door, the second the light on the machine flicked off and the hum began, tears began to roll down my face. My body shaking, trying to fight back this emotion. I don’t know where it came from. Probably weeks of anxiety and fear trapped inside. Probably a realization that it is over, really over. I was told that it can be bitter sweet. For the past 7 months I have had an active roll in the fight. Surgery, surgery again, chemo, radiation… and now what? What do I do now? Nothing. No scans, no tests, no cancer checks. For 7 months God has put it in our hands, the doctors’ hands, and now it is in His. Do you know how scary that is? So, yes, let’s scream it from the mountaintop, “I MADE IT”. But then step back and its time to say, “I really now give it all to you Lord.” I trust You. I will live my life one day at a time praying that the cancer is really gone, but knowing deep down You are in control. And Your plan is better than anything I could ever understand. I hold tight to the words I read today, spoken like Jesus talking to me:
“Put more energy into trusting Me and enjoying My Presence. Don’t let your well-being depend on your circumstances. Instead connect your joy to My precious promises: I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go. I will meet all your needs according to My glorious riches. Nothing in all creation will be able to separate you from My Love.”
2 months after chemo, my hair is growing back. It is close to the same color. It fully covers my head though still short, think of Ethan with a much cuter head. I ditched the hats and bands 3 weeks ago and love being free again. My eyebrows and eyelashes, which were the last to go, have begun to show up again too. I have not worn mascara in over 3 months and I am anxious to just get to do something simple like that again. So the effects of the cancer will linger a bit longer, but the celebration has officially begun.
Last Halloween I took the year off and bought the costumes. But this year, the suggested characters seemed better to just make. So I did. Megan’s, Maid Marian, required fabric, a pattern, trim and hours of work. I was very proud of the way it turned out and she loved it. Alyssa chose to be Robin Hood, though she was mistaken for Peter Pan and in the end, I thought hers was just as cute and very accurate. Audrey’s was one of Alyssa’s old costumes, and I put plenty of time into hers at the time too. All dressed up, Ethan and I couldn’t get over how much they resemble each other. And this photo answers the question I get all the time, which is “Were they all this blond?”
No idea why she must pose like this
We spent Saturday night with friends in the neighborhood. We ate, enjoyed some adult time and watched the kiddos play. They had a scavenger hunt that took them through a small part of the neighborhood and loved it. I like to see my girls have so many friends to be with and hope to see them all grow up together.
Sunday, we went to a Truck or Treat a neighbor’s church then came back to the ‘hood. It was our first year to just trick or treat as a family. Years past, Alyssa has run off with friends and we are trying to catch up or we had just done Trunks at the church. Megan was the leader as she went unafraid from house to house. Audrey was definitely close behind, determined to walk and hold her own 8 lb pumpkin bucket. Alyssa seemed hesitant and was pushed to get candy at each place. We came home to pass out more candy. The girls enjoyed sitting at the door and picking what each guest could have.
Desperately trying to get a picture of all three of them
Baths, bedtime, and we were all wiped… [more]
Our neighbors are the best! S and A live next door to us (not sure if they like their real names on the web). They have been super and loving to our children since we moved in. We eat and celebrate together, we have game night, we play in the yard. Recently, they wanted to do something special and get Alyssa a new bike. And as parents of three, we of course said, “great idea – she will love that! ” This weekend, Alyssa went over for a surprise and found a new bike. She was quite surprised and very thankful that her knees don’t have to hit the handle bars anymore. I do think it is time to replace that helmet too. The pictures show that her head has grown a bit since we bought that in 2007.
Then immediately, Megan got a new bike too. Strange how it looks just like Alyssa’s old bike, but she never said one word. She was just excited to be on a new, big bike. Poor middle child. Now they are both excited to go up and down the street again. Thank you G-wins. You go above and beyond for our family.
We had some fall fun at Lucky Ladd Farm this year. It was a great place. We fed the goats and chickens, had plenty of playground fun, picked our pumpkins and enjoyed some nachos…I mean who doesn’t love some nachos. All the girls did well with the animals. It is interesting to see Alyssa get more confident each year and actually hold her hand still and then Megan walks right up like we feed goats everyday. Honestly, I don’t remember if Audrey even tried, she was probably too busy eating the goat food herself.
A little sneak peak into Halloween this year… We went with some friends to a retirement home in the area to try to bless them with some precious kids. I think they all did great and hopefully brought some smiles to the residents. Audrey was the lead of the pack, opening doors and just letting herself do as she wished, going back for seconds or thirds, trying to remove the fire extinguisher from the wall … you name it. The woman who was leading us around learned her name very quick and kept saying, “Come on Audrey, do you want to knock on this door?”
Oh, my Megan. How do I even begin to say a few words about you. You are God’s blessing in my life. You helped heal a hole in my heart after we lost your brother. God knew what we needed and you arrived perfect just as we prayed. You have so much personality. You can pout like no one else I know. And you can laugh, sing and dance enough to crack up the whole family. You are strong-willed. At least the strongest-willed of mine. I love to come in the mornings and see you and Alyssa snuggled up in bed together giggling or reading. I love to see you taking care of Audrey and giving her hugs too. I love that you like to hold my hand and that I can still pick you up and you wrap your legs and arms around me. You are happy to help me unload the dishes and can sit and paint for an hour. You are the only one who can independently play. You like to build towers of blocks, piles of stuffed animals, and houses of blankets. You are notorious for dresses. Summer dresses in the winter and winter dresses in the summer. You would change clothes several times a day if I let you just to wear all different dresses. You make the meanest growl, usually at someone, but have the sweetest kisses. You are just a great mixture of it all. You are the Megan that we all needed and I am blessed.
Megan’s 4th birthday party was all pink…pinkalicious. We celebrated with just a few friends, but fun was had by all I hope. We had some snacks, painted fingernails and fairy wands, read stories and wrapped up with the classic pink, pink, RED! (duck, duck, goose) Next year I hope to remember that all they need is friends to have fun. All the decorations in the world wouldn’t matter, but friends make the party fun. Thanks to my friends for hanging out and enjoying the party too. And a big thanks to Amanda for taking some awesome pictures for us. I still have a few days to ponder the idea of my Meggie being 4 years old. That will be a post next week I suppose. More
We are back into the swing of soccer. That means never a dull Saturday, lots of bags, whining, cheering, wrestling, water and sweat. Alyssa is doing great. She really likes to play and has a good grasp on the game. She is fast and smart, but still is not the most aggressive one in the pile. In between watching Megan play from a distance and wrestling Audrey to stay off the field, I really enjoy watching her play.
We decided to sign Megan up with the Y at the last moment. She went to her first practice last week where she did great. She kept her shoes and shin guards on for over an hour waiting til practice, she ran, she kicked, she obeyed the coach, she did awesome.
I began to think that she would do so good….so much better than Alyssa did on her first team. I was excited for a child who was aggressive. I was more than willing to pay that late sign up fee if it meant my child would have fun, play, maybe even… score? Well, Saturday came. When we stepped out of the car and she began complaining that her shin guards were itching, I knew it was all over.
That is EXACTLY what Alyssa did all season long at age 3. We would put bug spray, lotion, even toilet paper in her socks – anything to avoid the itchy legs. It went from itchy legs, to being bored, to hot, anything to not play. So Megan sat in a ball, head in her hands, pouting for oh… 3 quarters of the game. I tried everything – just like I did with Alyssa – and no bribe, treat, incentive would get her to play. Then finally, she seemed interested. We called her coach, “Megan’s ready” I yelled. Whoo hoo!! She is on the field. Yes! “Get the camera!” She took a throw-in. She ran. She tried to get the ball. And… the game was over. She played for about 90 seconds. But I was so proud of her. Maybe next week it will be different.
