That is a question I hear alot. I usually do the standard, non-feeling answer “Things are really good.” That is not really a lie, things are good. Megan is healthy, Alyssa is excited about her sister, the room is ready, and I am still fairly comfortable. But that is not the full answer. So here are some probably long awaited thoughts on all this. If you aren’t interested in the personal, you just want photos of Alyssa on her bike then stop reading. Then don’t check back for a while because it is too hot to take anymore pictures of her on the bike.
I feel good. Any 34 week pregnant woman would tell you they are done and ready for this to be over, but I do feel good. I am excited. I am excited for Megan, not just another baby. I am looking forward to her arrival as much as any mother could. I dream about holding her on my chest, rocking her to sleep, showing her off at church, bringing her home, watching her grow up with Alyssa . . .all of it. But those wonderful dreams of the future do not come without the negative thoughts too. What if she does not breath when she is born? What if I do not hear that amazing cry as she moves from her world to my world? What if she cannot come home with us? What if everything looks normal again, and she suffers the same trauma as Noah? What if I have to tell Alyssa that her sister had to go to heaven too? UGH, the list could go on.
What if? I don’t know. There are no guarantees in this world, and while I trust God completely, while I look to him for my strenth, I do not expect to be spared of pain in the future because of my pain in the past. I do not assume I will get a free ride through this delivery, and so I worry. I don’t know that I would even say worry… it is really more wonder. This fear does not take over my thoughts. It does not take over my day. But it is present. It is real.
Here is what I remember: “Lord, I’m amazed by You. How you love me. How wide. How deep. How great is Your love for me.”
As always, I appreciate your honesty. There’s really nothing I can add to what you’ve said, except to say that I’ll be praying that all goes as it should. And I trust that it will.
I am so glad that you shared those thoughts… they are very real, very valid thoughts. You are right as well… God’s love for you is so deep and so wide that it is unimaginable. We could and should get lost in it…
Such powerful words, laced with faith & the honest undercurrents of worry. Such is the stuff of faithful human beings, especially those who have been battered around by some terrible storms. It’s refreshing to hear the polarities of your experiences. You bless me with your candor and faith.
Signed, a member of the “We’re Fine” family