Romans 8 says, “… We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.” I have heard many people say that, but felt that more than ever tonight. Driving home tonight after a less than uplifting doctor’s visit, I cried out in prayer to God. But I literally had nothing in my head, no words came to my mouth, all the hurt was there, but it only came out as a groan. And thank God that is all I had to do. I don’t have to put into words what I feel or what I want. Thank God that he knows my every thought and need even before I do.
I thought I had come to terms with the idea that we may never know what happened to Noah. And that was okay. He was the way he was because God made him that way. It was not an accident or a punishment, it just was. But as Ethan and I look to the future of another child, Noah’s condition really clouds that lens. All of the questions about Noah turn into percentages of suffering the same loss with another child. Without knowing what caused it no one can say it won’t happen again. There are still conversations to be had and questions to ask, but that is weighing heavily on my mind tonight. We left Texas Children’s with the impression that this was not genetic and should not affect future pregnancies, but tonight I feel different. All I feel are groans.
On a lighter note, I saw my first real rainbow last night. I have seen many in my lifetime, but now a rainbow has a new meaning. The rainbow is a sign of the covenant between God and life on earth, but the rainbow also reminds me of Noah. It was a beautiful site. It gave me peace and put a smile on my face. Alyssa paints on paper and my Noah paints in the sky.
“Alyssa paints on paper and my Noah paints in the sky.”
Thank you for writing that. What a breathtakingly beautiful truth. God is so perfect in how He orchestrates even the tiniest things in our life. Rainbows will always be a special reminder of your sweet little boy. Years from now, when things are, as they say, “back to normal” (yeah, right), you will be absorbed in the day to day events of whatever those future days will be and you will unexpectedly glimpse a rainbow and be so deeply reminded of what a treasure the Lord sent to you. Had you named him George or Bob, rainbows wouldn’t have such significance. But how wonderful the Lord was to choose the name for your fella – Noah – and to place that name in your heart as the one for your baby. God is good, all the time. We continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Brad & Brandynn Stanford
Maelan, Robin, & Gideon
Here is for many more rainbows to come your way! May God continue to comfort you in these small ways everyday. Peace and Grace.
P.S. – just wanted to let you know that I will never look at a balloon (or rainbow) floating in the sky the same way again after your last post. Noah will always be our thoughts! Thanks for sharing yours. You are a beautiful soul!
Balloons and rainbows…just more things to remind me of Noah. Your precious son changed my life in so many ways! I hope you see many more rainbows and that you will be able to smile more.
While talking with the Lord earlier today, I had the image of you kissing Noah in my head. Somehow somewhere… I dont know. Mabye it was because I was taking the same road I took that Wednesday night up there with Dad and Jen. Well, I stopped in the middle of the prayer, and could go no further. I think you nailed it, groans. Not sure what else I could’ve said. I know He knows.
I’m greatful He knows me. Because I can’t wait to Know Him more.
brotherS.
Julie,
I am sorry for your upsetting news. I know that is not what you had hoped for. I pray that you will get a different answer as they investigate further. My heart continues to break for you daily.
Thank you, as the others have said, for the new way to look at balloons and rainbows. I too will be reminded of God’s promises.
I pray for peace for you just for today. And tomorrow I will pray again for peace for that day. Moment by moment, your friends and God will see you through. Thank you for trusting us with your thoughts.
In Him,
lisa c
Julie, you are truly an amazing woman and mother and I am uplifted by your words and thoughts. I continue to pray for you and your family for peace and understanding.
Stephanie W.
Dear Julie,
Life’s journey is one of mystery, excitement, challenge, seriousness, sadness, celebration, laughter, peace, joy, love, wonder, hope, etc… I know a woman who lost her first child in the latter part of her first pregnancy. Once the grieving and healing ran its course, life continued and her story unfolded. It has been 45 years since that tragic event occurred. Since that point in time, her resolve was to live life each day to the fullest. She went on to have and raise six beautiful children. She now has twelve beautiful grand children. I am one of those six children and now have a child of my own. I did not know about the tragedy of her first child until recent years. I respect my Mom more than you can imagine for having the courage to meet life head on and overcome the adversity. If she had not overcome the adversity, I wouldn’t be here to write you this note. It really explained a lot of things for me about my Mom. My mom is an incredibly strong and loving woman who has always been there for her children. I am encouraged to see that you and Ethan are already discussing having another child. The strength is in your unity with each other and your relationship with God. It is obvious that you are an amazing woman and couple. Channel your energy into your beautiful daughter and husband. Through the course of time with prayer (even the groans, which He understands), everything will come together. God Bless you and your family.