I am still here. Somehow. I can’t believe that it has been over a month since I have seen my boy’s face. The time has gone by fast, yet slow. But I am still here. That is all I can do is just be here. I wake up in the morning and decide to just get up, then just take a shower, then get Alyssa and the rest of the day goes on. Life just goes on. I lay in bed most every night and just think of Noah. I can remember everything from his birth to his last breath. And I am thankful that all of that stays in my memory. But things are getting harder I think. (Sorry mom) The first weeks were just trying to make it through, and now as reality sets in, day after day after day, it gets harder to believe. Every morning is a reminder that “damnit, this is my life isn’t it?” “This really happened to ME.”
I received a copy of Natalie Grant’s song, Held. It is a beautiful song that I am beginning to understand more and more each time I listen to it. Some of the words are:
Two months is, too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence
would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling.
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
to us who have died to live,
it’s unfair.
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
and you survive.
This is what it is to be loved,
and to know that the promise was
when everything fell we’d be held.
My point? The first dozen times I listened to the song, I focused on the first part of the song. My son is gone. You did not heal him. Why would you take him from a family who is praying? And this is how I feel, because the sacred in my life is gone. But as I continued to listen my heart was softened to the other message of this song. No where does it say that we would be rescued of pain, saved from nightmares. All He told us is that when everything fell apart, we would be held and loved. Does that make things better? No. But it reminds me that He is there, and if all He can do for me right now is hold me, then that is enough. It has to be because no one is giving me anything better. God only gives us what we can handle and I am handling it. The tears come alot easier for me now than they used to, but I am still here.
Oh Julie, I feel so bad for you and for Laura while watching Ira fight for his life. I don’t know you or Laura, just through people at your church but I haven’t been able to stay away from the blog site since Noah was born even though I cry every day. I cry every time I read the news and read about badly abused children and I can’t help but question God…I just look up at the sky and say “God, why don’t you take these babies and children before they are abused, take them into Your Heavenly Kingdom…Why did You… have to take Noah when he was born into such a wonderful family? Why are You making baby Ira fight so hard for his life? I’m like Laura’s poem…I do not understand even though I am a woman of faith. I pray for you every day Julie because I know that you are going through something that no parent should have to face…I don’t think my faith is strong enough to be able to make it through all the pain you and Ethan have had to endure. God bless you both.
Annie Galloway
Julie,
You may not be giving yourself enough credit for “still being here”. I think still being here, where HERE means “in God” letting God in like you have. Not pushing Him away. Leaning on Him. Allowing Him to hold you. Being honest with yourself and others. That you aren’t healed yet. May never be the same. But changed by being Noah’s mom. I really don’t like when bad things like this happen. I don’t understand. I don’t know why it’s necessary. Anger bubbles up inside me at the injustice of it. I know nothing is fair. But I like it a LOT better that way. I’d rather have this blog as a huge story of how God healed a sweet beautiful boy and let him stay on earth with his family. And what a major glory to God we would let that be. It isn’t I know. But the way you share your thoughts and say you are still here… that shouts of an amazing faith to me !! Julie that is glory to God. You are not allowing Satan to take you away, but you are saying that even though the world may say, leave God and die, like Job’s friends, you are saying, God if you hold me right now, and of course he is, that’s enough. Julie, you are an amazing woman. Keep up the faith, even though you feel weak. I’ll be praying for you.
Julie,
You and Ethan are still in our prayers. I cannot pretend to imagine what the days and nights are like for you. I have no words of wisdom or clever advice, just prayer.
I appreciate, like the others have said, that you are so honest with your feelings. It is a testimony to others. You are human and no one expects you to be ok right now. Its ok to be whatever you need to be. Let God hold you, let us hold you with our prayers and let the memory of Noah never fade.
With much love,
Lisa C
Keep being HERE! Ben and I are praying and thinking about you guys. We are hoping you will get to come visit š
loveyou–
I long for the day when our families can meet each other. I have an intense desire to meet you guys and give you big, long hugs. That sounds incredibly cheesy but it’s what I feel.
We love you — Joe