Noah would have been 1 month old today. I feel a strong urge to use “should have been” but it doesn’t feel right. It’s difficult to rationalize the difference because my heart wants to the know latter rather than the former. My heart longs to have him here but my brain keeps reminding he’s not. And that’s the fun part of everyday; emotional vs rational. C.S Lewis says it better than I do. “Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.” The heart continually reminding the mind that you hurt, you feel loss. And then one day the heart says I am okay, things are good, but all of sudden the mind says why? Are you sure? And the heart starts all over again. Every day for the nine days of his life and every day since.
And there certainly isn’t any escaping it. Everybody in my house knows, everybody at church knows, went back to work last week and they all knew. Went to San Antonio the week before, I’d swear they all knew. Like the giant elephant in the corner of room that nobody wants to talk about for fear the elephant might ramapage and trample me. So what if it tramples me? It’s trampled me in public, behind closed doors, at quiet times, in the busiest times, in the car, at the dinner table. Too many reminders and people to forget so easily. And I certainly don’t want to forget.
My friend WG once remarked about James 1:2-4 that he doesn’t get it. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” He felt like the trials of his life were not deep or intense enough to warrant perseverance, and at the time I felt the same about mine. Today I feel I get it but as I re-read that verse I find another part I don’t like; trials, as in plural. Isn’t one enough? And how many is enough? How much perseverance does one need? I guess you need just enough and God will determine how much in time. So everyday is a mini trial to make it through with just the right amout of testing. Some days the heart wins and other days the mind.
Bless you Ethan. Your emotions are so real and thank you for sharing them with us. We are still thinking of you and praying for you. I suppose that each day is a new challenge for you all. You are fighting the good fight and Christ in you will prevail. You all are loved.
AD
Ethan and Julie, your writings move me. You guys have a gift of sharing and gift for sharing so eloquently. Thank you for doing so.
thanks again ethan for opening your heart and allowing others to see Jesus in you! I hope you are feeling His healing hands right now becasue they are there, holding you tight.
Ethan:
I still feel the same about James 1:2-4 that I did when we discussed it several years ago. Maybe even more so, watching two of my dear friends go through such unspeakable trials. I look at my own life, and I can’t begin to imagine how I would react to the kind of trials you and Julie are going through. I can only hope that I would persevere with a small fraction of the faith and maturity that the two of you demonstrate. You are an example and a blessing to me. I can see Christ’s spirit in you. My prayer is that God’s Holy Spirit will continue to intercede for you with “groans that words cannot express.”
WG