A friend asked me last Saturday if I was going to continue writing on the blog. My initial reaction was, why? What is left to say, he’s gone. Six days later I still don’t have a great answer for that question, but I have decided to continue. The reasons I want to continue are the same reasons I started writing in the first place. I want to know what I was feeling when things happened and how have things changed. For me, and maybe Julie, this is a journal of the next year of my life without Noah. For those on the outside my hope and prayer is that somehow this makes sense to you and that despite my ramblings you will continue to pray for my family. Besides Steve really set this blog up to inform immediate family and a few others. Maybe it will continue to do that. Trust me when I tell you Julie and I were trully suprised how far it went.
It’s been a long week. It’s been a long month. There is sadness in my house, but strangely not a palpable sadness. It’s like the surface of a lake perfectly still until someone comes along and skips a rock across the surface. And once the surface is disturbed it’s hard to get the water calm again. Julie and I are trying to define what life without him should look like and feel like. It’s hard to know having never done this before and I think so far we are handling the ripples on the surface okay. What I am afraid of is when something comes along to throw the first rock, or boulder, into the lake displacing the sadness in all directions. It should have happened this week when I went into James Avery to pick up something for Julie while she waited in the car. I was standing in line behind a new mother with her baby boy. Now even before Noah I probably would have noticed, but this time it hit close to home. The little boy wrapped in a blue blanket was 3.5 weeks old; so tiny, so perfect. He sat in the exact same car carrier Julie and I use. His mother was there to get a set of boys shoes for the same charm braclet Julie wears. I look back now and think for sure that should have been a boulder. I wonder why I didn’t have more of an emotional reaction. I wonder what Julie’s would have been? – Ethan
i am so glad you’ve decided to journal your thoughts and continue with the blog. you and your wife are still a blessing to everyone who reads this. your lives continue to be a source of encouragement and strength to fellow christians. we have hope, don’t we? my prayers are still with you and your family. you are a daily reminder how precious life really is. how short…how special. thank you for sharing all these things with us.
We are forever grateful to you both for sharing your thoughts and faith. You guys and Noah have affected so many and continue to do so. We give thanks and praise.