I am certain that this would have been easier to write if only I had listened to your mother. She asked me repeatedly to write something in your journal before you were born, and like most husbands I foolishly disregarded your mother’s sentimentality. It probably would have been a letter filled with hope and the promise of things to come, but now you have come and gone so quickly I almost don’t know where to start.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t thrill me to find out I was having a son. I think deep down inside every man dreams of it. Finally, someone else in the house who can communicate in grunts and groans. Someone else to make messes your mother can’t recognize. Someone else who might actually enjoy watching endless hours of sports. I really only mention these because I am sure that your mother is rolling her eyes just as my mother is doing. I would have enjoyed teaching you that skill as well.
I’d like to think that you had enormous potential. Maybe you would have worn the Chelsea blue or played in a World Cup. Maybe a businessman with the highest of acumen and skill. Maybe a minister with a gift for speech and God’s insight. Or maybe a father who faithfully served God and loved his wife and children. But all those dreams seem insignificant compared to everything I know we would have done.
We would have fallen asleep on the couch together during your sister’s nap time. We would have kept your mom up later than she wanted. We would have delighted your grandparents with each of your new words or skills. As you grew older we would have driven countless hours to countless soccer games. We would have done tons of homework around a kitchen table where we would have shared dinners with your mom and sister. We would learn to use tools, learn to shave and tie a tie; things a father should teach a son. The same things my father was able to teach me.
I wish I would have been able to teach you how to be a man of God. To love your wife as Christ loves his church. To pray for guidance and wisdom from the Lord as you lead your family. To teach you about sexual purity in the face of overwhelming odds. To use scripture as the cornerstone of your life. And while I would be the first to admit I lack in these areas, maybe just maybe, we would have made each other better. And once all the arguments and words about why some clothes, behaviors, girls, and friends are just inappropriate you would be able to stand on your own and make Godly decisions. Your mother and I would be able to stand before our God as stewards of his child with the knowledge that we set you free with your own faith and love of Jesus Christ.
Somehow it never worked out that simple, as God had bigger plans for you. The story of your life spread far and wide in a matter of days. People began praying and calling on the name of the Lord for healing in you; healing that never came. But before you left us, relationships with the Lord were renewed, hearts were softened and Mommy and Daddy were able to share our faith. I hope that we were your voice reflecting the glory of God as Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 2:
“When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.”
Noah, I will always consider myself blessed when you opened your eyes as I carried you in your final moments, as though to give Julie and me one last message “Mommy and Daddy I can go home now”. My son, now I know that you can and I am proud to be your father. -Ethan
GOD’S LITTLEST ANGEL
I’d never heard the voice of God,
Or been touched by His powerful hand,
But often I’d dreamed of a better life,
In some far away heavenly land.
Where joy and laughter, peace and hope,
Was there for all to see,
Where I could be with those I loved,
For all eternity.
From time to time I’d travel this earth,
In search of this wonderful place,
Always wondering if I would ever meet God,
Or behold His marvelous grace.
When a special little angel came quietly one day,
And deeply touched my heart,
I was blessed to hold him, if only for a while,
As I knew he soon might depart.
And, oh, too soon, he slipped from my grasp,
Into that ethereal space,
And after he’d left, I finally realized,
That at last, I’d seen God’s face.
And so I press on with this life here below,
With thoughts of Heaven so fair,
And joy in my heart that allows me sweet peace,
From knowing God’s littlest angel lives there.
The service was absolutely beautiful! What a wonderful message and tribute to Noah. We all grieve with you but can’t help but to rejoice for Noah. God is so proud of you both and little Noah for the great servants that you are. Thank you both for your openness – it is truly inspiring. May you continue to find peace and guidance from God. During the hard times, please remember that WE are all praying and standing with you.
“Thank you” does not really seem to be appropriate, but for lack of better words, thank you to both you and Julie for sharing your letters to Noah. It is an honor and a privilige to be able to see your words to him….and I have to imagine, with a smile on my face (that is, after swallowing back the tears), that Jesus is sitting with Noah on his knee, reading these words to him.
May God be with you every step of this difficult journey you are on. May He surround you with people to walk with you, people who will cheerlead you on, but not try to deny the process of grief your family is in. May He strengthen you and Julie to allow each other to have a unique processing of all that has happened and all that will be different than you anticipated.
May He bring you to places of joy, and enable you to feel joy again soon.
In His Family,
Beverly McCallon
You are such a strong example of a Godly man and I know that other men will see your strong faith, your confidence to share your faith, and your openness in sharing your feelings with all of us. Noah was a beautiful baby who was sent to what I believe is a beautiful family who answered God’s call boldly and through all the heartache and what may seem unfair, continue to give God the glory and acknowledge that our ways are not His ways. I do not know you and your family, but I have a special place in my heart for you and will continue to pray for you, Julie and Alyssa.
Oh, my. I just received an e-mail regarding your son needing prayers and, before I could turn around, I received a note of his passing. I went to this website where you poured out your heart regarding your son and your Lord. I cannot express the gratitude I feel toward you for opening up your heart and sharing with us your feelings for your son. He would have been so blessed to have parents like you. You two are a dream come true for any child and Alyssa and any children to come will reap the rewards of your love and diligence in following Christ. My mind is filled with regrets for my own inadequate mothering and what might have been in my own children’s lives. God has worked in my life and changed me from the selfish, clueless person I was then. I will continue to reread your words to remind me that it is never to late to parent your children and grandchildren. Your example of sacrifice and love for your children is truly inspiring to me and a model to other parents. God must be very proud of you for sharing your faith as you have in such a moment as this. Your words are life to me and to others. Thank you, again, for sharing your heart. I have placed your family on a large prayer list that I generate from my office. It goes all over the city and to some other states, as well. Know that we are praying for you and are inspired by your faithfulness to Him who loves you so.
Because of Him,
Linda Hames
ethan… we are proud to call you family. we are praying for you daily, for strength and comfort. you can drop the “in-law” part… brother.
steve
Ethan–
You are amazing. God is always good and I am more and more covinced of that when I read your thougths. Thank you for sharing them with me and others. Thank you for loving Julie the way Christ loves the church. Thank you for your dreams for Noah, for being who God wants you to be. You are a wonderful man of God, husband to Julie, and father to Alyssa and Noah. Continue to draw supernatural peace and strength from our Lord. Love you-
A&B
Julie & Ethan,
Lawrence & I continue in prayer for your sweet family & hold you in our hearts. Bless you both for what you have been through & bless you both for the incredible inspiration you are to so many. Know you are lifted up each day before our loving & good God.
Sharon H.