I still miss him. I think because of some hard work facing reality in the months after Noah died, I am able to enjoy my life even without him. I find great joy in my girls. But in the mornings when I am in the car alone, I look into the sunrise and usually find myself drawn to God. And because he is so close to Noah, I am drawn to Noah. I think about him and what he is doing. When Alyssa and I pray in the car before school, we ask that Noah has a good day in heaven. While that started as a way for me to remind Alyssa of Noah, it has really been something I enjoy too. But this morning something hit me. I was thanking God for the time that I had with Noah. That I was able to carry him, give birth to him, and then see him, touch him, kiss him, and finally I was blessed enough to hold my son. Some people never get that, and I am thankful for that time. But as I was thinking about what Noah was doing this morning, I thought – I know he is happy. He is running around on golden streets with the angels, singing praises to God. And that is a wonderful thought. But if there is no saddness in heaven, then Noah does not know about me. He does not miss me. He does not know I am his mother, and that I love him and miss him. And . . . I don’t know, that hurt me this morning.
I’ve followed your blog through a friend of a friend. I’ve never commented, but for some reason I felt compelled to today. I’ve been amazed at the strength and faith you have displayed through the trials you’ve endured. Know that others you don’t even know are praying for you and your family. Just by reading your blog I know Noah was blessed with an amazing mother. God bless you all….
Julie…I met you briefly during your labor with Megan. I am certain that you don’t even remember me, but your family has impacted my life forever. I follow your blog from time to time, and I find inspiration through your faith and love of your children. I was pregnant with my son when I first read about Noah. I truly believe that his life changed my pregnancy and my view of motherhood. I commited to cherish every moment of carrying my child, and to trust in God’s will for his life. I will forever pray for your family, and I will always be grateful for the way you have impacted my life. Though Noah may not know of your sadness and longing for him, he knows of your love for him. Your faith carried him to a perfect place, and your prayers covered him in peace during his time on earth. God is Noah’s perfect father, but he chose you to be his mother.
Oh, this gave ME goosebumps and made me cry….. I can only imagine how real and confusing those feelings must be for you. However, I think they’re completely human, and thankfully we have a God who understands our humanity and has compassion on us. I am sorry you felt sad this morning. I know that must have been hard…. we all want to be remembered. This isn’t coming out like I want it to…. I guess I just wanted to say that I really have no words to make this better, but I wish I did. Just know that it makes complete sense and I’m thankful you shared your honest feelings with us and with the God of your life who understands more than we ever will. Much love and MANY hugs to you today.
I love you and all your beautiful children. I love & miss Noah too. I never say the right thing, so all I can really say is We love you guys!
Julie since Joe blogged about Noah I have followed in your story… there aren’t many words to untangle the torn feelings you feel about your son … but know that you and your family are remembered and prayed for here in Brooklyn … even though he is gone he has made a tremendous impact on so many, many of who you don’t know … hold on to the memories those tender kisses and sweet hugs … they will keep you going … much love Sue – Christ Church for Brooklyn
I know it’s a popular view that when people go to Heaven they don’t know what’s going on in the world here. Maybe that’s so, but I’m not so sure about that. The angels know what’s going on down here, they watch us, they learn from us. And since Noah is in their beautiful company, maybe he’s been filled in as well. I think about the verse, “then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” Noah knows fully now. The amazing thing about heaven is that he can know fully – about us, about you, about all the events past & present – yet without the sadness that we humans have to endure. There is no sadness because he can see fully the complete picture. He can see God’s will and how everything works together for good and for God’s holy purposes. He can say, “Aaah, that’s what that was about. So that’s why. So that’s how this fits in.” I don’t think the absence of sadness, fear, longing in heaven means ignorance. Instead, it’s more opposite than we can imagine. It means knowing so much more than we can know here, a level of understanding that we humans groan for and long for. I am envious of the position Noah is in and in how completely he is wrapped in the arms of the Lord. But I can envision him, and others, saying, “It’s wonderful! It’s amazing! Wait till you see! It’s gonna make so much sense! Everything’s okay! God is sooo good!”
I’m no theologian, of course, and don’t at all mean to belittle your realization this morning. Instead, this is meant to encourage you, and be sad with you, but maybe carry that realization a little further. We, too, have followed your blog ever since Noah’s birth and your family has influenced our family in so many good ways.
May the Lord keep Noah ever fresh in your mind and heart. May you always be willing to receive and wrestle with ideas like you had this morning, instead of hiding Noah away in some corner of your being, never to be discussed or remembered. Your openness and realness and humanness are such an encouragement for all of us here.
Brandynn…what powerful sentiments you shared just now. Awesome encouragement for all. Thank you