Megan’s first trip to “Noah’s special place”
Noah has worked his way into every aspect of my life. There are few things that go on in my day that do not connect with him. Whether it is an object, a photo or his sisters, his memory is always there. I was surprised to realize that my pregnancy with Megan was consumed with Noah. The very fact that I was pregnant was a result of Noah. The anxiety of Megan’s health was a result of Noah. The doctor and hospital I chose were a result of Noah. Everything about those 10 months was because of Noah. So throughout those months, I was constantly reminded and thinking of him as it related to Megan. So where does that leave me now?
Thankful that Megan is healthy? Of course. Glad that she is here? Yes. Glad that I am not pregnant anymore? Not necessarily. Since the pregnancy had so much to do with Noah, the absence of being pregnant feels like the absence of Noah. The unknown of the pregnancy allowed me to stay connected to Noah and to his death. And I guess without that I am learning how to live without him again. Learning how to let him go again. This pain that I feel reminds me how special he was to me and how much I loved him. We miss you, Noah, and miss what life would be like if you were here.
Three year olds have their own way of dealing and expressing grief. After some conversations about Noah recently here is what Alyssa acted out for my mom the other night: Like any child in her situation, she was acting out that she was pregnant. She stuffed an animal in her shirt and climbed up in bed, telling Nana that she was going to have the baby. When her baby was born, she told Nana that he was sick. That only God could make him feel better, so he had to go to heaven. So she took this “baby” to Megan’s room and said she was taking him to heaven. Then she returned to her room pregnant with another baby. She went through the same actions and when this baby was born, she was healthy. She told Nana that she was able to stay on earth with us and didn’t have to go to heaven.
It’s amazing what she understands about this situation. I love that she will never forget either.
It feels strange that I should miss Noah, but I do. I miss him for you. Perhaps it is because he and my Ethan were born just about a month apart and the pain I felt for you at his loss was so deep. Perhaps because his life and death and your faith taught me so much about the love of our Heavenly Father. Perhaps it is because Noah reminds me that we are not home yet. He is certainly not forgotten.
Thank you for sharing once again such tender feelings. I love you and your family and can’t wait to meet Miss Megan.
After praying for and checking in your website for months… I am so happy that Megan is here. She is beautiful of course and looks so much like the picture of Alyssa as a baby. Wow. but I do still think of Noah and wondered how this pregnancy and new baby made you think of him. Thank you so much for sharing your precious heart. It helps me understand more about grief and to be more empathetic to those in similar circumstances. That alyssa story shows what a great job you are doing with her.
We miss him too-big hugs for you all. I am looking forward to seeing him again one day and introducing Mallory. loveyou-
Wow, Julie, this post is beautiful. It seems to me that God has given you the gift of looking back, discerning and then articulating what you’ve learned from reflection. Noah is not forgotten here in Brooklyn, for sure. Someday our families will meet and not many words will have to be spoken in order to convey that we know each other.
Absolutely, positively beautiful… Noah was a special little boy that has families and friends connected … through Ira and his family I have come to read your post and feel connected to you in some way … I must repeat what Joe said above Noah and your entire family is remembered and thought of in Brooklyn.
With Love,
Sue Young
I love to read and discover your stength. It amazes me more and more everytime I stop in to check on Ethan, the girls, and you. I was about 7 months pregnant with Steven when grandpa called to tell me. I will never forget that moment. Noah was defenceless, yet he gives you so much strength. I read and have to stop to dry the tears. ( I generally walk to Stevens room just to peek in) Its hard for me to grasp what you are feeling as you go through your day, yet you have the power to share it with your world. Thank you for that. I admire your strenght and ability.